Our Pain
by Beatlebug
Summary: With Harry, Sirius is reminded of things he'd rather forget. But no one seems to realise Remus might just feel the same thing. Nor the feelings that still linger somewhere in the depts of their hearts. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

_Yes, I am a grumpy, unsatisfied old lady. Well, not really that old. But I decided to re-write a couple of my stories  
'cause I just didn't like the way they were going! And therefore I never finished them.  
It started with 'Dukes and Servants' then I deleted 'Parttime Imaginary Friends' (which will be back!)  
And now 'Our Pain' made a restart too._

A bit more centered, shorter and more straight to the point. Also, it will be from Remus' & Sirius' point of view.  
I like the idea how they remember or see things just a little different.  
I hope you still like it. .

_**Summary:**__  
With Harry around, Sirius feels the pain of losing James all over again. Why does everyone seem to forget Remus felt this pain too?  
_Rated T for language.

**Sirius:**

'I just think.. I think he sometimes forget you're Harry and not James.'  
'So you think he's crazy?' Harry replied angrily.  
' No, I don't. But I think he's been alone for a very long time.'

Sirius leaned against a wall, close to the door where the voices came from.  
It was a long time ago voices found their path through this hallway. Even insults seemed like a pleasing conversation.  
Hermione was right. He had been alone for a very long time.  
Perhaps he was..

'You're not crazy.' When he turned he startled as he found Remus just a few inches away from him.  
How long had he been standing there?  
'Maybe I am.' Sirius replied. 'I've been alone for quite some time. Not so long ago I would've given anything to even hear Snape's voice.'  
Remus' lips formed a small smile as he raised his finger as a sign for Sirius to listen. Somewhere beneath a voice rose up.  
The slimy, rotten sound of that git..

Sirius made a face. 'Yeah. Perhaps that's a bit much. But I do miss a lot of voices. His..'  
Something got stuck in his throat as he looked up in those warm, amber eyes.  
'I know it's Harry. I really do. But sometimes when he moves or talks.  
It feels like I got a second chance after all I've been through.  
As if they gave me a second chance on James.  
His voice broke. 'I miss him so much.'

Remus placed a soothing hand on the crying man's shoulder. 'I know.'  
It was hardly more than a whisper. 'I miss him too.'

'We were a pain in the ass for so many people. But it was fun. God, I miss that guy.  
I would give all in the world to have him around again. He was everything to me.'  
'I know.' Remus simply replied.

With those words the man he once loved turned around and walked away.  
Sirius was still leaning against the wall, hearing Hermione's voice over and over in his head.  
Harry was not James, and he would never be. He knew that.  
But that didn't mean it doesn't hurt.

**Remus:**

'I just think.. I think he sometimes forget you're Harry and not James.'  
'So you think he's crazy?' Harry replied angrily.  
' No, I don't. But I think he's been alone for a very long time.'

Remus walked up the hallway as he heard the voices fade out in a heated discussion.  
Sirius was leaning against the wall, arms crossed as well as his feet. He would fall if he wouldn't be careful.  
As he came closer he could just hear the worries raising through that curly head.

'You're not crazy.' A startled Sirius turned towards him and placed a hand on his heart to give sight to how Remus' had scared him.  
In a flash Remus saw a little of the flamboyant, exaggerated teenager. He smiled.  
'Maybe I am.' Sirius replied. 'I've been alone for quite some time. Not so long ago I would've given anything to even hear Snape's voice.'  
Remus' lips formed a small smile.  
The reason he escaped the meeting and went upstairs was to flee from Snape, who just entered the Headquarters  
with another snare about how much of use he was to the Order, in contrast to_ some_of the other members.  
He raised his finger as a sign for Sirius to listen. Somewhere beneath a voice rose up.  
A voice one might call deep and sexy. If you didn't hate the person in question, of course.

Sirius made a face. Again a little something of the young man that had loved life so much  
'I know it's Harry. I really do. But sometimes when he moves or talks. It feels like I got a second chance after all I've been through.  
As if they gave me a second chance on James. '  
His voice broke. 'I miss him so much.'

Remus placed a soothing hand on the crying man's shoulder. 'I know.' Of course he knew.  
Hadn't he been a teacher when Harry attended his third year at Hogwarts? Of course, he took things a lot more serious than his father had,  
but sometimes it seemed like a ghost, wandering around. Somehow no one seemed to realize what he had gone through.

Sirius continued but Remus hardly heard what the man said. 'I know.' He simply replied. Something inside him just broke and  
he needed to be alone for a while. With those words he turned around and walked away. Finding himself a safe place.  
Somewhere he could have his share of grief, without anyone noticing.

_That would be chapter one. Keep posted, updates to come soon!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you, KurtcoBlainelover,__ AAClaire96__ & latinanewschic for adding 'Our Pain' as a story alert! I hope I won't be letting you down. This is one of the very few (if not the only) fanfic I wrote about this period of time, but I just love it._

Remus:

He was poking around his food like a frustrated child. Even Molly's famous meatballs tasted like.. Well. They tasted like something he usually wouldn't eat. Not even that once a month.  
Since his conversation with Sirius earlier that day, something had been creeping up on him. A little piece of the puzzle no one seemed to have provided him with so far. And therefore he just couldn't let go. It was turning and twisting in his stomach and making him feel more miserable than he had ever done.

He turned away his head as he could feel the tears form in his eyes. Avoiding the examining look in the grey eyes opposite of him. But unfortunately that move made him face Harry, who stared at him in worry. He saw both James and Lily reflecting in that boy and it hurt. It hurt so much.  
In a flash he decided he didn't want to be here any longer.  
As he hastily stood up to apologize and more or less demanded to be excused, he knocked over a glass of wine as he made his way to the kitchen door.

When he reached the hall tears began to trickle down. He had to go somewhere. Somewhere he wouldn't get a chance to feel sorry for himself. Before he really realized what he was doing he slammed open the backdoor and ran into the little garden. A freezing wind wrapped itself around his body. It was a winter's night. It might have been snowing, he couldn't remember afterwards. All he knew was it felt good. Everything had been so long ago. It was absurd starting to cry about it now. The cold felt like a punishment he deserved for dwelling over the past.  
Punishment. How he was used to that. Wasn't his entire life a punishment? And being a werewolf wasn't even the worst part of it. He never knew the happiness his friends had had. And the only time he ever really loved someone, ended as fast as it had begun.

He just stood there, eyes closed, arms folded and pressed tightly against his chest. The cold slowly taking over his flesh, his muscles and eventually his bones. 'Please' he mumbled. 'Why don't you just let me freeze to death.' His deep sigh formed a cloud in the air. 'Wouldn't that just make everything so-' His voice broke mid-whisper and he started to cry all the same. Hot tears dripping past his frozen cheeks made him feel even more miserable. He placed a hand against his mouth to muffle his own crying and could feel the tears run over his trembling hands. His entire body started shaking and aching as the crying took over him. It felt as if 15 years of suppressed grieve burst out.

The snow muffled the footsteps but still he could hear someone run towards him and felt the relieve of a warm coat being wrapped around his shoulder. 'Merlin.' Fingers wiped his tears away and then he was pulled close in a warm, firm embrace. 'Merlin, what were you thinking.' The voice was filled with emotion. His nose picked up the spicy, musk smell and he pressed himself even closer in the strong arms. Those familiar, comforting arms. 'I'm sorry.' He sniffed. 'I'm so sorry, I lost it.'

_Sirius_

His eyes followed the man running out of the kitchen. Well. He didn't actually run. Remus Lupin never ran. He was too organized to need to run. But he was most definitely not well. He couldn't help but wonder whether it had been something he had said earlier that day. He wasn't exactly famous for being tactic and as sensitive as his friend was. His friend.. Was that all there was left?

When Molly started dipping the wine from his ancestors pure white table cloth, it looked a lot like a bloodstain, Sirius found himself thinking of all Remus had ever done in the past. He remembered how he had once found the young werewolf on the astronomy tower. They had been 17 at the time and when Sirius pulled him down and in the tower safe, Remus had started crying and Sirius held him close to comfort him. That was probably the first time he had experienced the strange tug in his tummy. Back then he thought it was because he felt sorry for Remus. For how depressed he could get when he thought no one cared about him. Of course now he knew that was when it all started.

He excused himself from the table too and was just in time to save his own wine, not putting Molly up with any extra work. He ran out of the dining room to find Remus. Sirius Black _did _run, you see. When he was a teenager he never sat still. To Remus' frustration if the young boy tried to make his homework or read a book. Then there was that one time he had taken his big mouth way too far. It was the last thing he wanted to think about right now. Ever, actually. No one would believe it if he said so, but Azkaban seemed a weak memory compared to how real and painful that one still felt.

It didn't take him very long to trail down the man. The backdoor was still open and the footsteps in the snow fresh were the exact right size. Freezing blew in and he automatically reached behind him for the headstand. He put on the first coat he could lay his hands, too big and it smelled familiar. Perfect. He ran into the garden. His eyes had to take in the darkness for a while but he could hear the faint sounds he heard before, that night on the Astronomy tower. The sounds of a man that would never give in to his true feelings. Not even when he was on his own. Not even when the world around him seemed to fall apart. Not even when he felt betrayed, lost and lonely.

The snow muffled his footsteps as he ran towards Remus and wrapped his coat around the fragile shoulders. . 'Merlin.' His fingers wiped the tears away and he pulled him close in a warm embrace. 'Merlin, what were you thinking.' His voice was filled with emotion. 'I'm sorry.' The taller man sniffed. 'I'm so sorry, I lost it.' But Sirius just held him close. His nose was resting on the man's neck and he could feel a tear-stained cheek lean against his hair. It stuck to the dark curls. It hadn't that night in the Astronomy tower. Despite his 17 years, Remus hadn't grown as much as he and James had done yet. But now he clearly was a full grown man. A werewolf. Strong and fierce. Yet so kind and sensitive.

It was the first time he had touched the man like this since 15 years. Yes, they had hugged two years ago. But that had been one of surprise and it had felt slightly awkward. Besides, they were dealing with serious business at that point, and it took them up to quite recently to meet again after that moment in the Shack. And despite the sad circumstances, he couldn't help but feel slightly aroused at touch of the cold man, his heartbeat pumping against his own chest. The shaking limbs, the sobbing sounds.

'It's okay.' Sirius mumbled, trying not to give in to what he felt inside. But he was quite sure Remus noticed the beating of his aroused hard, the gentle yet longing grip he had on the tall man. He could feel how the other man tensed in his arms, not sure whether it was of realization or excitement.  
He slowly let go of Remus who took a step back and looked at Sirius. He stared in the tear-filled eyes. 'You are so beautiful.' He whispered. His hand reached for the cheek and wiped away the wet streaks. 'You changed so much and yet everything is still there.'

For a moment Remus leaned into the touch, his eyes staring at the floor and his hand over the man he once loved so much. But then he stepped back and Sirius' hand fell in empty air and hit his side.  
'I can't.' Remus sighed. The coat slid off of his shoulders as he handed it back to Sirius. 'Thanks.' The man mumbled and he walked back inside. Leaving a trail of footsteps Sirius knew he would follow, probably stepping in each footprint like he used to do a long time ago. When they were teenagers and a little less scarred. At least, on the inside. 'Cause his shoes were the perfect size to fit his in. The nape of his neck had always been perfect for his head, his lips. The curve of his sleeping body perfect to crawl against. And now this man, with all his perfect parts, was drenched to the bone in something unsolved. Something that hurt him. But he wouldn't be Sirius Black if he wouldn't make sure to find out what it was. For he knew it could never be as it was if they didn't have the conversation. A conversation they should've had this years. Perhaps two years prior. Who knows, perhaps even that night when James and Lily die. Oh James..

And as he had predicted, a few seconds later he followed the werewolf. Trading carefully where the other man had done before. It seemed silly, but it made him feel closer to the man than he had been in a very long time. Closer then he probably would be for a while.


End file.
